Giving

(I started this a few weeks ago and am posting it on the 1st of the year)

A couple weeks ago my friends and I filled some Ziplock bags with food and headed out on the Denver streets to pass them out.  It was a slow start for us.  The night was the coldest of the year so far and most of the homeless and destitute could be found in lines to get into shelters.  We passed out a few bags, but the one that I remember in particular was a man who we saw on the side of the road with a grocery cart of his belongings.  His appearance was not that different from the other people we saw on the streets that night.  His words, however, were simple, profound and encouraging.  When we asked him if he’d like some food his response included a huge smile and he said, “God always provides when you need it the most.”  Those words stung me, as I am often caught up in the materialism of our society.  We are faced daily with commercials and advertisements telling us we need more, newer, bigger and better in our lives.

Last week our church headed out to a care center called Park Forest.  Members of our church could “adopt” a resident and provide that person with gifts that were requested.  I was pretty bummed because by the time I made it to church (we had been out of town) all of the names had been taken.  I mean, this is a wonderful problem to encounter, but last year we really enjoyed helping out and I was looking forward to participating.  So I threw myself something short of a pity party and had decided I wasn’t going to go to the gift giving since I had nothing to give.

As my week progressed, I received a call from John inviting me to go to the Leno show.  I had thought about it, but just couldn’t justify it in my mind.  No problem, until the day of the Park Forest party.  John continued to text me that day, sharing all the fun happenings of the Leno show.  The surprise appearance of Fred Willard, the elaborate set, Tom Wilson and his amazing kindness, and Jim Carrey as one of the guests.  My full on pity party had begun.  As I was moving through my day it started to hit me that I was being a selfish twit.  I had so much to be grateful for, and yet here I was feeling sorry for myself because I was missing out on one day of walking past celebrities in hallways.  I pulled myself together and made plans to go to Park Forest.  It was one of those nights where images are burned into the back of your mind forever.  Some of the requests from the residents were elaborate.  HD TV’s and iPhones.  Other’s were so simple it broke my heart.  Socks, sweatpants, Oreo cookies, and apple pies.  We take for granted the fact that, for the most part, we can just go to the store and buy the food we want.  We buy the name brand clothes that fit us best and are in style that season.  There were few name brands mentioned on the Park Forest gift lists.  Mostly the name brands were for foods.

I met some of the residents and spent time passing out gifts.  Perhaps the most touching moment of my night was went I happened to see a man who had asked for a Teddy Bear.  He sat in the party room for the entire evening hugging the bear as if it were his only worldly possession (which it very well may have been).  I wasn’t there when he received it, but I heard he cried when he did.  I heard that most of the people in the room teared up as they watched.

This was a great lesson for me as it’s easy to become wrapped up in ourselves and what we feel we are missing in our lives.  The reality that we need to be reminded of is that there are so many among us that have much less.  As I was cruising Craigslist this holiday season there was a woman requesting food.  I felt compelled to give her a gift certificate to a local grocery store.  I tried to do it as anonymously as possible, but my e-mail address was attached to my request for her address.  After sending the gift, I received an e-mail back.  This woman said she has worked her whole life, but was diagnosed with cancer and soon lost her job and ended up on disability.  Her disability was meager, and by the third week of most months she was out of money and food.  She only requested leftovers from peoples meals to help her through the final weeks of the month.  Her embarrassment of having to ask for food was evident in our communications, but she said she was desperate.

We begin to realize the importance of the little things in life.  The joy of seeing a smile on someone’s face, the blessings of being able to afford the basic necessities.  My life is filled with many blessings that I will forever be grateful for.  I hope that my life will be filled with humility and grace, patience and understanding for those in the world around me.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” -Margaret Mead

Halloweenie

Thinking back Halloween holds a few fun childhood memories for me.

We always had good times going to our friends house and playing flashlight tag until the late hours of the evening.  They had a HUGE yard with a densely wood area behind a huge open field.  There’s nothing like running around in the dark, with a flashlight (often turned off), in the woods nonetheless, and trying to chase down kids that were often 3 or 4 years my senior.  I never won.

There were also the countless house parties I enjoyed throwing.  One Halloween in particular, I was having a party and my parents noticed some teens helping themselves to our table of goodies (not unusual in a household with two teens and a plethora of their friends).  I came inside (the rest of my 15 or so friends were outside playing capture the flag) and confronted the group eating our food.  Turns out, they were some trick-or-treaters who noticed our spread and invited themselves in.  How flattering for us, how unfortunate for them.  They were promptly removed and on their way.

Aside from that, I don’t remember trick-or-treating until I was a teen.  Mom says she took us when we were little, but at my old age I can’t seem to bring back those memories.  As a teen I found that you really have to dress up if you’re going to convince people to give you candy.  What a neat idea.  Dress weird, try to scare people, and then they give you candy and smile.  We ate candy for days.

My first Halloween as John’s girlfriend (this was 9 years ago), John’s band Ace Troubleshooter was playing a show at a local college.  I remember hearing that John was going to be dressing up, but I could never have imagined the spectacle that would be John’s costume.  I remember walking in with my friends and seeing: a skinny guy with a guitar, dressed with a yellow chicken mask, tights, red short shorts, some sort of shirt and a cape.  Hilarity ensued.  It was AWESOME!  I think that was the last Halloween John and I spent together (but that has nothing to do with his choice of Halloween costumes!).

Tonight I’m ready to spend Halloween #2 at my friend Whitney’s house.  They live in a great urban neighborhood with lots of exciting activity always brewing.  If all goes well we’ll feed lots of trick-or-treaters, drink our fill of punch, and maybe see some scoundrels being arrested in the park.  I LOVE IT!

Cold and cloudy, with a bit of sadness in the air…

I’m sitting here on this dark, cold, gloomy day reflecting back.  This past week I learned of a friend’s death.  I stumbled across her obituary as I was trying to get in contact with her.  My e-mails had gone unanswered for a long time and I had decided to use the internet to help me in my search to find out where she was.

We were close friends growing-up, spending countless hours together through some of what were the the most awkward years of our lives.  We chased boys, drove cars (even crashed them) and broke curfew.  We had fun and talked about our feelings.  As we got older our lives were filled with changes, some good and some bad.  We moved away from home for adventures of our own.  We were living our lives.  Then, at some point, her pain overcame her ability to cope and she took her own life.

It’s never easy dealing with the loss of someone you loved.  There are so many emotions mixed up and so many questions left unanswered.  I don’t cry because I feel bad that I have lost a dear friend.  I will feel that pain inside of me for the rest of my life.  I cry now because someone I loved was in so much pain that they couldn’t deal with it anymore.  I can never understand how she felt just moments before deciding that she couldn’t go on and live this life any longer.

This isn’t the first suicide amongst my friends.  Unfortunately, this is now the third.  The third person I knew whose life was cut unnecessarily short.  I know this topic can often be very controversial and difficult for many to discuss.  It certainly is for me, but that hasn’t stopped me from learning more about it and trying to educate myself on the many topics surrounding it.  There are a lot of feelings mixed in with suicide and death.  A lot of things we’ll never have answers to.  We all have to work through our pain the best way we know how.

I hope to never have to deal with this form of death again, but there are few guarantees in this life.  For now I can love and let my love be known.  I can encourage those around me and look for ways to help those that may need it.  I can keep looking for that bit of sunshine when the sky seems so overcast and cloudy.