Thinking back Halloween holds a few fun childhood memories for me.

We always had good times going to our friends house and playing flashlight tag until the late hours of the evening.  They had a HUGE yard with a densely wood area behind a huge open field.  There’s nothing like running around in the dark, with a flashlight (often turned off), in the woods nonetheless, and trying to chase down kids that were often 3 or 4 years my senior.  I never won.

There were also the countless house parties I enjoyed throwing.  One Halloween in particular, I was having a party and my parents noticed some teens helping themselves to our table of goodies (not unusual in a household with two teens and a plethora of their friends).  I came inside (the rest of my 15 or so friends were outside playing capture the flag) and confronted the group eating our food.  Turns out, they were some trick-or-treaters who noticed our spread and invited themselves in.  How flattering for us, how unfortunate for them.  They were promptly removed and on their way.

Aside from that, I don’t remember trick-or-treating until I was a teen.  Mom says she took us when we were little, but at my old age I can’t seem to bring back those memories.  As a teen I found that you really have to dress up if you’re going to convince people to give you candy.  What a neat idea.  Dress weird, try to scare people, and then they give you candy and smile.  We ate candy for days.

My first Halloween as John’s girlfriend (this was 9 years ago), John’s band Ace Troubleshooter was playing a show at a local college.  I remember hearing that John was going to be dressing up, but I could never have imagined the spectacle that would be John’s costume.  I remember walking in with my friends and seeing: a skinny guy with a guitar, dressed with a yellow chicken mask, tights, red short shorts, some sort of shirt and a cape.  Hilarity ensued.  It was AWESOME!  I think that was the last Halloween John and I spent together (but that has nothing to do with his choice of Halloween costumes!).

Tonight I’m ready to spend Halloween #2 at my friend Whitney’s house.  They live in a great urban neighborhood with lots of exciting activity always brewing.  If all goes well we’ll feed lots of trick-or-treaters, drink our fill of punch, and maybe see some scoundrels being arrested in the park.  I LOVE IT!

I’m sitting here on this dark, cold, gloomy day reflecting back.  This past week I learned of a friend’s death.  I stumbled across her obituary as I was trying to get in contact with her.  My e-mails had gone unanswered for a long time and I had decided to use the internet to help me in my search to find out where she was.

We were close friends growing-up, spending countless hours together through some of what were the the most awkward years of our lives.  We chased boys, drove cars (even crashed them) and broke curfew.  We had fun and talked about our feelings.  As we got older our lives were filled with changes, some good and some bad.  We moved away from home for adventures of our own.  We were living our lives.  Then, at some point, her pain overcame her ability to cope and she took her own life.

It’s never easy dealing with the loss of someone you loved.  There are so many emotions mixed up and so many questions left unanswered.  I don’t cry because I feel bad that I have lost a dear friend.  I will feel that pain inside of me for the rest of my life.  I cry now because someone I loved was in so much pain that they couldn’t deal with it anymore.  I can never understand how she felt just moments before deciding that she couldn’t go on and live this life any longer.

This isn’t the first suicide amongst my friends.  Unfortunately, this is now the third.  The third person I knew whose life was cut unnecessarily short.  I know this topic can often be very controversial and difficult for many to discuss.  It certainly is for me, but that hasn’t stopped me from learning more about it and trying to educate myself on the many topics surrounding it.  There are a lot of feelings mixed in with suicide and death.  A lot of things we’ll never have answers to.  We all have to work through our pain the best way we know how.

I hope to never have to deal with this form of death again, but there are few guarantees in this life.  For now I can love and let my love be known.  I can encourage those around me and look for ways to help those that may need it.  I can keep looking for that bit of sunshine when the sky seems so overcast and cloudy.